Life can be viewed in many ways. I viewed life as chapters, but now I kind of look at it as being a trial. Life will always put you up for trials. Like in every trial, there is a verdict. For example, if you got accused of murder when you are in innocent, you would go to trial. In this trial, there are court orders you need to follow to prove your innocence., if you were innocent, there wouldn’t be much to worry about.
My earliest memories as a teenager involve always being a kid who wasn’t bullied, never really had any problems other than those that I self-inflicted. Even throughout my college years, I had everything going for me: beautiful family, amazing girlfriend, health intact; but I always took life for granted. Whether it be the bullshit lies I fed to people, or something else, my ego caused me to become this cynical person towards myself. While I thought I wasn’t hurting anyone, I was hurting myself.
My first trial in life came to me at 24; a time when my fellow peers were finding themselves. Here I was, Mouhamad Beydoun, a kid that relied on people for his happiness, now isolated in a world that people fear. At the time, I thought I failed this trial. How could a person back then look in the mirror and be completely fine with an image that he didn’t even know? Now, I realized I never really lost that trial but it was a learning process for me to accept who I was, even though that was changing day by day. I look at myself now and ask myself the same questions of who is this new slimmer version of myself? But, I am who I am today and there is nothing I can do about it but love myself for who I am.
Throughout cancer came many trials. One of them was an opiate addiction. This wanted to test my true character of how bad I really wanted to be on this Earth. I lost a cousin to a battle of his own, which woke me up to realize I was taking this to numb my soul, but really it was killing me. During this trial, it was becoming clear to me who was there for me for the long run, and who was there temporarily
Looking back at it now, it takes a lot for a person to forgive and forget about shit that happens to them. For example, I will leave this person mysterious and his relations to me mysterious but there was a time I received a phone call in the hospital bed that someone betrayed me. I was still new to chemo, and I was very vulnerable, sensitive, and still trying to understand this new life. The phone call started off with a common interest, of this person asking me to borrow something and I remember telling him that it was available elsewhere, such as an online download. He ignored. Soon after, he went back on our word and ended up in my house uninvited looking for it on his own. Looking back at it now, his actions were actions of survival for him at the time. For me to judge him on his methods of survival, rather than help him, was my fault at that time.
Have you ever had that best friend that you thought you could trust with everything? I mean EVERYTHING. Well, I thought I did. This best friend happened to be part of my family. Like everything in life, people love to complicate shit rather than understand it. And this is trial #4. This taught me how to stop being dependent on a person. You can give someone your all, and that is still not enough. I remember the words over text message that said I wasn’t there for him when his brother passed away. (pause) Now, while you’re letting that sentence sink in, I’m going to explain how this trial made me the person that I am today. When his brother passed away, I was uncertain of the future because I was post-treatment, discovering myself, dealing with my own battles, also mourning. However, I remember receiving a phone call from my fiancé while I was away, telling me that this person needs you. At that given time, I dropped everything I was doing to be there for him. This trial made me understand to never rely on anyone for happiness, and to find it within, because when they are unhappy with themselves, they will put the blame on you.