A letter to myself pre-cancer !

Dear Cancer Mouhamad,

Listen, your life is going to change… You will not only change to become a person that will tackle and take down anything that tries to tell you differently but you won’t really love all the things that you thought once defined you. You are going to become this beautiful person, that will be about 120 pounds lighter. Some people won’t recognize you, others will laugh, and some will misunderstand there will be only a select few that will always be there for you. I’ll break them down and express what each one did for you during your time with cancer and I really hope you learn this lesson before you end up battling the same demons I recently fought.            It starts off the day of your 6th year anniversary with the girl of your dreams… We both know who we are talking about here: Anastasiya Guzchenko -the biggest key of saving your life pre and post cancer. Lucky for you, she slept over that day to prepare for the following day – besides the next day being your dad’s birthday, it was the day of your brain surgery. That morning, you woke up to Good Morning America feeling as though a truck tire was just rolling over your head… Waking up not really fearing anything because at that point, for the first time, you knew that you needed this. Moe, that day I think you were your bravest and I’m sorry that I didn’t give you enough credit and I’m sorry that I allowed you to escape through endless painkillers thinking that was going to fix all the emptiness that you heart felt at that time. Honestly, up until that point, you were a privileged fucking spoiled kid.  Moe, you got caught up in everything that wasn’t you. You thought you were missing out on living life but there where people right in front of you that fought the battle with you. Even though they didn’t understand, they never hated you. Hate is a fucking strong word. I hate fucking ISIS… that’s an example of when the word hate should be used. Not when you are expressing a feeling to someone that you can actually communicate with.. To hate something you really have to be at rock bottom and Moe, between ourselves.. WHAT THE FUCK DID ANYONE DO TO YOU FOR HATING A WORLD THAT LOVES YOU. We are a kind of species that tends to have this sense of entitlement. I recently wrote a post saying “what if this was my suicide letter..” I thought that I was going to inspire a lot of people but guess what Moe? Just like you in your current moment going through what you are going through, I am still going through it but the only difference is that I learned the hard way.. I know it’s kind of late Moe to tell you all this but It’s a good reminder to myself about all the things I have been through with you and I really love you for you. Fuck what the next person thinks of you because you live to learn all the mistakes you make in life… So, you can post and delete.. you can ask for help on Facebook if that makes you feel good… you can grow out your hair.. you can be the little bitch that you are but remember one thing, Moe, peole will get sick of you and people will get tired of this kid that is misunderstood because we as people are becoming misunderstood ourselves. Stay true to all your colors and family members. Remember to never let another person talk shit about you because last time I checked we all have our own little demons behind closed doors that no one talks about. Everyone KNOWS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.. to really try and isolate anyone for not being “normal” because you really don’t understand them doesn’t make sense and doesn’t fucking mean that you are better than them… WE LEARN FROM MISTAKES. IF MISTAKES AREN’T MADE, THEN GUESS WHAT.. YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF FAILURE… if there is no failure, there is no success. To succeed, you must come from failure to know that whatever is put in your way can be overcome. I remember I almost lost it all back in November. A lot of people think what they see on Instagram or Facebook is the person that they know, but they don’t know what one person faces behind closed doors. In November, a person that loved me through it all kind of got sick of it all but I took that hurt and pain that she said I wasn’t and showed her that I can and I did. It wasn’t all happily-ever-after post cancer but it challenged me to do something with my hurt because I knew at that time, I didn’t want to go back to the person I was. I got tired of people always doing stuff for me… So, I remember getting on the phone with my mentor at the time. He was an ok  guy.. nothing bad to say, but sometimes people aren’t meant to be in your life. I remember him telling me about something called Stupid Cancer and I completely ignored it at the time. Fast forward a couple of months later, I am still in the same shit feeling that I was feeling.. I remember the conversation I had with my mentor and that was the first time that I lived for myself. That night, I started a GoFundMe. I remember setting the goal to $2500 and the first person to donate was the first person that gave me a shot at life through a job when I was 18. Soon after, more donations started coming in but even through this, I found a way to fail. I let my emotions fail when the donations stopped & I thought people stopped caring when in fact, they didn’t. I ended up raising $5400 dollars and also reaching about 10,000 people all through my writing and just me being me at that time. I couldn’t really see that because I was so focused on living for the now moment.. I always wanted more or people to see what I was doing and how. I got caught up in finding myself again… I was speaking to another cancer survivor yesterday that made me self-reflect on this. She asked me “do you ever find self?” Looking back at that now, I don’t think anyone ever does because everyday something new comes our way and there are always more discoveries to be made.People don’t just die… Moe, through all this you meet amazing people; some bad but mostly good. There are two people who really stood out to you.. One of them was Lexus Patterson. You spent a weekend with her and other AYAs in SF… She was alive and well one week and on her way out the next week.. You really messed up. You just assumed by whatever was going on that she was dead. She isn’t because a person doesn’t just die…. We are the only thing complex enough to really take our time with death. She has been battling ever since they said she was taking her last nap.. I soon realized how wrong I was for assuming a person could just die.. She also taught me so much in life and I am content with that. I am no longer worried about what people will think or worry about anymore because no one knows the conversation that we had! Approaching her final days, even up until now, she has taught me to grab fear head on and just fight with everything I got ..but.. death is real and it’s coming for everyone reading this.. I STILL RISE… The second person is Stacey who is a terminally ill survivor.. She has taken death and told it to hold off until she sees what she wants to see from the world. She has never seen a firefly but she made sure this summer it was something she was going to do. The people that accepted me for me even when I thought they wouldn’t. My parents and my fiancé will be the only people that play the major step into my recovery…. When I tell you I really have nothing to be happy about for this current moment, I really don’t. I lost everything I thought I built through all of your self-destructive ways but I haven’t been this happy since the IV push days, but escaping my demons with a high isn’t me anymore Moe. I hope you can do the same

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