Fighting anger with anger is like trying to fight fire with oxygen. For anyone to walk around and say that they are perfect — guess what you’re not. I am to the point in my life were all that matters is my family and my circle of friends.
I’ve learned how to ignore and say no, put on a fake smile on, and continue on living in my so called fairy tale of a world, as my fiance Anastasiya likes to call it. She also made me realize that sometimes I need to turn off that “fairy tale” and come back to reality.
Living in a fairy tale isn’t all that bad. Hey, I really need you to pay attention for a second. I am not trying to sell you anything other than what I went through and what I witnessed while fighting cancer with anger.
Here, let me try and explain to you what I mean by all this. When I first beat cancer, I was completely lost. Lost in a sense that my old routine to life needed to change in order for me to survive. When change comes, everything gets messed up. A storm will come and destroy everything in the path so that, you, the person can rebuild a new future to whatever it is that this so called life has to offer.
When we were little kids, we had imaginations and imaginations mature as we do. Some of us even forget how to use it. Computers can’t imagine stuff but we can imagine what a computer would imagine. Don’t be a computer that is programmed to live to only then die.
A good earth is free. I want to live off your happiness and off of your success. Not the misery of the storm that life has thrown our way. Kindness and presence come together. Invention brought us together as people. We are using it for bad and making our opinion facts. We become separated by race and attack on hate – forgetting that old dies and new is born. We lost what is right, forget that we have to respect the old for allowing the new to grow.
Help help help me understand how do I know what is good for other people?
What is that you know that makes you different than me? Fuck you and your judgement. If that hurt you, then I am hurt.
I lie a lot to myself. Shouldn’t I be happy? What the fuck is happiness? We get so lost trying to figure out what life is all about then we die. I am not depressed but I am tired of trying to figure out what makes people happy. Why are we so different in the way we think? Why do we judge something that isn’t morally right? What the fuck is right? I tell you that I want to kill myself and you tell me that I am so different and want to judge me based on all my thoughts and what may seem real? “Here – take this fucking pill that will make you happy.” Become more dependent on something that has no significant value to your life. Kill yourself with your own misery. The perfect way to walk around life is by masking all emotions.
You cannot say you want to change without getting lost in the path of the storm.
After beating cancer. I used the “I had cancer” card a lot. The more I would use it, the more I would get the response that I didn’t want. This world operates off misery. We are so fast to say sorry and take ownership of someone else’s misery that a simple “I am sorry” can make a person feel bad about themselves. I don’t want to hear your sorry but would much rather hear “Congratulations.” What are you sorry for? That I had beaten cancer or that you are lucky enough and would rather feed me pity than give me some credit?
I get it.
No one gets anything other than their own verison of their own life. Parents teach kids that there will always be a good and a bad and that your actions will always be judged. We grow up to become our parents if we aren’t wise enough.
I started smoking Cannabis at the age of 27.
Stimgas are real. People that don’t like something based off personal ideas and personal beliefs will always give you a reason on why not to do something. Always blame something or someone for why that thing that you are doing will ruin your mind and ruin your life. I am a big believer that a person has the option of being whatever he sets his mind to. I used to catch huge panic attacks and feel like earth and its gravity was lying dead center on my chest. Run to the doctors, get my refills of Ativan and then be floating. Losing control of feeling sense of reality and feeling like I was … can’t explain it, don’t want to fucking explain it.. I am tired of repeating the same old story.
When I close my eyes I see a new world. If I was to go to the doctor and try to explain it to them, they would try and give me pills and tell me that these thoughts aren’t real? I will then get mad and tell them what do you mean they aren’t real why are you soooo fast to just prescribe me something? For God sakes I listened to you guys for a year without knowing what was wrong with me. I took your stupid medicine and your stupid fake superficial sessions on how to deal with my anger. All my anger was fear. Guess what – you can not fix fear with medicine because fear isn’t real. Fear is a experiance that needs to be faced and guided with support. Not fucking medicine. I guess we won’t ever get to know what people fear but we are taught that fear is bad. Fear isn’t bad but what is bad is that idea or thought that you think that what you fear is bad. Enough with all this mindstuff.
Don’t take any of this personal.
I used to work off feelings. I would really care about how your day was? At the end of the day, I was feeling so overwhlemed that I was losing control in how I was feeling. I started really not caring anymore. The stigmas were becoming real and I was getting burnt from the ashes of the blunt getting buried so deep within the cloud of that fairytale world. I made a lot of false promises to people when I should’ve told them no. If this offends you, then realize this is nothing personal.
I am not your friend. I am not in it for your superficial bullshit of what trends to follow. Sometimes, I wake up with feelings that I am one day closer to death. Imagine feeling that or is that too deep? Guess that’s why I won’t make it in the real world. Fuck it – I’ll make in my own world. I am building my own small world of people that just get me. Where personal feeling don’t exist. Where we value each other for being healthy and alive in a world that sometimes may feel so cold and empty. Time wasted on bullshit is no time at all. Create a world where happiness is the end result of life. Fuck all of the “let’s change the world.” Change your world.
When you think the flame is going to burn out, protect it because it has more fire to give. I love life. I'm going to stop asking for help and start posting what I really feel if you guys wants to join the journey feel free. taken back because one person heard my message. One person didn't tell me I'm sorry. One person understood my story and ran with it.