Advertisements

cancer

To much past !

I always fought myself about the unknown, it was always scary, imagine going to a place that is dark and loud, then trying to give yourself a direction to find a exit. That’s how my life was for three years. I kept trying to fight the unknown.

The unknown can always be known. For example today I had a test, the actual result was unknown but the answers to the questions was the known. Going back to the dark place that is the unknown but the exit is the know.

When we as people get lost with the unknown, let’s really try and understand to see why it’s unknown and relate it to our life experiences.

Advertisements
Details

Best pain medicine !

Pain comes from suffering. Ask yourself this question: how many times are you going to repeat yesterday’s mistakes and dwell on tomorrow’s comings because of today’s pain? Now, I am not a rocket scientist but I do know that this pain comes from a place of deep emotions that haven’t been forgotten or better yet, even understood. Why fall victim to a thought? Isn’t a thought something that you can control as a person? Today, I saw the world for what it was; a planet. Nothing more, nothing less. I wasn’t expecting anything but good to come out of today because I wasn’t facing a false version of myself anymore. I was able to recognize my own consciousness. Me as me. Not for my body, or for the image that others saw me as. I accepted who I was and it felt good; no one was able to correct me or tell me I was wrong. I was able to shut off my pain body and also my ego – both of which are no good to a person. With that, I was seeing clear for the first time for a really long time. I was no longer a victim to what yesterday has done for me and I was for sure not even thinking about tomorrow because today was so good of a feeling. I do know that it doesn’t matter how much you say you want something- it will always start with you. Change doesn’t happen if you can’t acknowledge what is causing the pain. I know I’m crazy for saying this but when someone is really happy they can forget that time doesn’t exist and go anywhere they want to go in life. I read this quote that really made me think: In order not to die, you must die before death; therefore there is no death.

Details

What is killing us !

Pain comes from suffering. Ask yourself this question: how many times are you going to repeat yesterday’s mistakes and dwell on tomorrow’s comings because of today’s pain? Now, I am not a rocket scientist but I do know that this pain comes from a place of deep emotions that haven’t been forgotten or better yet, even understood. Why fall victim to a thought? Isn’t a thought something that you can control as a person? Today, I saw the world for what it was; a planet. Nothing more, nothing less. I wasn’t expecting anything but good to come out of today because I wasn’t facing a false version of myself anymore. I was able to recognize my own consciousness. Me as me. Not for my body, or for the image that others saw me as. I accepted who I was and it felt good; no one was able to correct me or tell me I was wrong. I was able to shut off my pain body and also my ego – both of which are no good to a person. With that, I was seeing clear for the first time for a really long time. I was no longer a victim to what yesterday has done for me and I was for sure not even thinking about tomorrow because today was so good of a feeling. I do know that it doesn’t matter how much you say you want something- it will always start with you. Change doesn’t happen if you can’t acknowledge what is causing the pain. I know I’m crazy for saying this but when someone is really happy they can forget that time doesn’t exist and go anywhere they want to go in life. I read this quote that really made me think: In order not to die, you must die before death; therefore there is no death.

Details

Where does Guilt come from ?

Today I am no longer a prisoner to my thoughts. I am no longer captivated by my fears and I am no longer tied down by the weight and guilt that has built up to which at times has made me become one of the worst human beings of my life, pushed me to places that I don’t even think I would forgive myself for.

Guilt comes from a place of the past. It robs you from your present moment of being alive. We as humans are programmed to dwell on missed opportunities and others, rather than just focus on how we are going to become better people for ourselves. In addition, anxiety comes from a place of thinking too much into the future. I’m not saying it’s not ok to reminisce on the past or even plan for the future, but when either one take away from the present moment, that’s when I feel it becomes problematic. There are times where I’ll have guilt – never understood why I had it until I wrote down my reasons or what led onto them. Each time I realized I was caught up in an idea or moment that I’m trying to fix, but in reality I have no control over. In my mind, that’s the definition of insanity. I’ve also had times where I was caught up in wanting something more than what I had. For example, if I had $500, I would worry about wanting $1000 even though the $500 I had may have been sufficient enough for me. Rather than understanding how to keep the $500 to teach myself better spending habits and a better life, I strived for the unattainable. This gave me constant anxiety. Again, something I would define as insanity.

Now I know for a fact that every single person reading this has gone through some sort of battle. My pain isn’t necessarily the same as yours when you went through your battles. However, the concept of the pain is ideally the same. My message is simply this: Allow yourself to let go of anything that would prevent you from becoming the best version of you. This is from something as small as drinking your favorite orange juice in the morning to something larger like picking what your fights are. Understand that the energy you let out into the universe is the energy you will receive back. The universe has enough bad energy as is – why are we so complex as people that we have so many differences and cannot come to a common agreement?

 

Details

Don’t take life for granted

A good moment can be turned bad so quickly. If you’re lucky enough to have a roof to live under, clean water to drink, have your health, have a family, friends, or any reason whatsoever to smile, then do it because there are people who don’t get a choice in the type of life they’re given. And chances are the ones that are complaining are much better off than those who are not. Learn to accept and love the cards that you’ve been dealt. Even when you can’t find good reason for them. Whether your living your life on a constant adventure, slaving yourself away at work, or from the inside of a hospital room – you get to breathe this air and you get to interact with people – something you can’t really do when you’re 6 feet under. You were chosen to be here for a reason, a purpose, and if you search deep enough, you will see that you have reasons for feeling lucky and blessed. In the points of life that you DO have control over, work hard to be where you want. And treat/congratulate yourself when you get there. Don’t stop when you’re tired, stop when you’re done. -Anastasyia Guzchenko

Details

Don't take life for granted

A good moment can be turned bad so quickly. If you’re lucky enough to have a roof to live under, clean water to drink, have your health, have a family, friends, or any reason whatsoever to smile, then do it because there are people who don’t get a choice in the type of life they’re given. And chances are the ones that are complaining are much better off than those who are not. Learn to accept and love the cards that you’ve been dealt. Even when you can’t find good reason for them. Whether your living your life on a constant adventure, slaving yourself away at work, or from the inside of a hospital room – you get to breathe this air and you get to interact with people – something you can’t really do when you’re 6 feet under. You were chosen to be here for a reason, a purpose, and if you search deep enough, you will see that you have reasons for feeling lucky and blessed. In the points of life that you DO have control over, work hard to be where you want. And treat/congratulate yourself when you get there. Don’t stop when you’re tired, stop when you’re done. -Anastasyia Guzchenko

Details

Trials of Life !!

Life can be viewed in many ways. I viewed life as chapters, but now I kind of look at it as being a trial. Life will always put you up for trials. Like in every trial, there is a verdict. For example, if you got accused of murder when you are in innocent, you would go to trial. In this trial, there are court orders you need to follow to prove your innocence., if you were innocent, there wouldn’t be much to worry about.
My earliest memories as a teenager involve always being a kid who wasn’t bullied, never really had any problems other than those that I self-inflicted. Even throughout my college years, I had everything going for me: beautiful family, amazing girlfriend, health intact; but I always took life for granted. Whether it be the bullshit lies I fed to people, or something else, my ego caused me to become this cynical person towards myself. While I thought I wasn’t hurting anyone, I was hurting myself.
My first trial in life came to me at 24; a time when my fellow peers were finding themselves. Here I was, Mouhamad Beydoun, a kid that relied on people for his happiness, now isolated in a world that people fear. At the time, I thought I failed this trial. How could a person back then look in the mirror and be completely fine with an image that he didn’t even know? Now, I realized I never really lost that trial but it was a learning process for me to accept who I was, even though that was changing day by day. I look at myself now and ask myself the same questions of who is this new slimmer version of myself? But, I am who I am today and there is nothing I can do about it but love myself for who I am.
Throughout cancer came many trials. One of them was an opiate addiction. This wanted to test my true character of how bad I really wanted to be on this Earth. I lost a cousin to a battle of his own, which woke me up to realize I was taking this to numb my soul, but really it was killing me. During this trial, it was becoming clear to me who was there for me for the long run, and who was there temporarily
Looking back at it now, it takes a lot for a person to forgive and forget about shit that happens to them. For example, I will leave this person mysterious and his relations to me mysterious but there was a time I received a phone call in the hospital bed that someone betrayed me. I was still new to chemo, and I was very vulnerable, sensitive, and still trying to understand this new life. The phone call started off with a common interest, of this person asking me to borrow something and I remember telling him that it was available elsewhere, such as an online download. He ignored. Soon after, he went back on our word and ended up in my house uninvited looking for it on his own. Looking back at it now, his actions were actions of survival for him at the time. For me to judge him on his methods of survival, rather than help him, was my fault at that time.
Have you ever had that best friend that you thought you could trust with everything? I mean EVERYTHING. Well, I thought I did. This best friend happened to be part of my family. Like everything in life, people love to complicate shit rather than understand it. And this is trial #4. This taught me how to stop being dependent on a person. You can give someone your all, and that is still not enough. I remember the words over text message that said I wasn’t there for him when his brother passed away. (pause) Now, while you’re letting that sentence sink in, I’m going to explain how this trial made me the person that I am today. When his brother passed away, I was uncertain of the future because I was post-treatment, discovering myself, dealing with my own battles, also mourning. However, I remember receiving a phone call from my fiancé while I was away, telling me that this person needs you. At that given time, I dropped everything I was doing to be there for him. This trial made me understand to never rely on anyone for happiness, and to find it within, because when they are unhappy with themselves, they will put the blame on you.

Details

Love isn’t painful 

Dear Ana, the young girl I once knew that has turned into a woman. My angel sent down to earth personally from God, to protect a broken fragile soul. Anastasiya Guzchenko, this time I say your name in full not because I’m mad but because I’m grateful. I got to see you smile, cry, and your appreciation. Best of all, I still manage to annoy you over the little things. I love you for you and don’t ever change.

Details

Her 

Her heart is full of dreams and adventures & within this girl that is so scared to not be perfect, reality is trying to be perfect at everything will ALWAYS bring you to failure. I love her though & if she wasn’t perfect, I would’ve died. At one point of my treatment, the doctors wanted to put a breathing tube down my throat in ICU of Mount Sinai. She fought with them telling them it was because of the heavy use of dilaudid they gave me and that it was more temporary than the tube would’ve been. If she wasn’t so perfect she wouldn’t be her. I’m starting to learn how to accept her for her. I love you. My soul 

Details