To much past !

I always fought myself about the unknown, it was always scary, imagine going to a place that is dark and loud, then trying to give yourself a direction to find a exit. That’s how my life was for three years. I kept trying to fight the unknown.

The unknown can always be known. For example today I had a test, the actual result was unknown but the answers to the questions was the known. Going back to the dark place that is the unknown but the exit is the know.

When we as people get lost with the unknown, let’s really try and understand to see why it’s unknown and relate it to our life experiences.


What is killing us !

Pain comes from suffering. Ask yourself this question: how many times are you going to repeat yesterday’s mistakes and dwell on tomorrow’s comings because of today’s pain? Now, I am not a rocket scientist but I do know that this pain comes from a place of deep emotions that haven’t been forgotten or better yet, even understood. Why fall victim to a thought? Isn’t a thought something that you can control as a person? Today, I saw the world for what it was; a planet. Nothing more, nothing less. I wasn’t expecting anything but good to come out of today because I wasn’t facing a false version of myself anymore. I was able to recognize my own consciousness. Me as me. Not for my body, or for the image that others saw me as. I accepted who I was and it felt good; no one was able to correct me or tell me I was wrong. I was able to shut off my pain body and also my ego – both of which are no good to a person. With that, I was seeing clear for the first time for a really long time. I was no longer a victim to what yesterday has done for me and I was for sure not even thinking about tomorrow because today was so good of a feeling. I do know that it doesn’t matter how much you say you want something- it will always start with you. Change doesn’t happen if you can’t acknowledge what is causing the pain. I know I’m crazy for saying this but when someone is really happy they can forget that time doesn’t exist and go anywhere they want to go in life. I read this quote that really made me think: In order not to die, you must die before death; therefore there is no death.


Stop lying to yourself !

How do you tell something you love, you want it so much.. when you get stopped in life, do you give up ?

My replay would be to give up is to die. Why die when you’re alive. Waiting to die. I’m driving on a path I want, I am in control of my own dreams. No one else is the reason for my own problems. We forget and get caught up in our self EGO – a barrier that we as people allow our subconscious mind to make up for us in order to protect our real feelings. I once heard this saying that ego stand for EDGE GOD AWAY. Kinda funny when you really think of it. Let’s stop talking about what we did. Let’s start saying look at what god did, jcole once said that in a line and it touched home to me. Now I know it may sounds cheesy to quote a line from jcole but it’s just state truth imo. Now to understand God we need to understand ourselves. Why when a person wakes up in the morning everyday worry-free and pain-free for the most part, do we allow our minds to go to problems that was bought to us the night before or the day before. I have learned how to just step back from a problem and just ignore people that bother me. There was a time when I used to self-explode on everyone and everything. I would say holy fuck these people are the problems but the matter of the fact is that I was the problem. I then stepped back for the first time and asked God for help. I never really talked to God in my life. This light of hope. God in every religion means good, means faith, means a believer of some sort. I stumbled across a YouTube video and listened to a 4 min lecture on finding out what real problems are in life. It said if you are really struggling, step back and ask God for an answer to your problems and by God I mean yourself.

What I mean by all of this is that for the first time I stopped lying to myself. I just beat CANCER and I was supposed to be happy and okay but I wasn’t. My life kind of started to be worse than cancer. Some people would say how can this be possible. My response would be that when you are a cancer patient you kind of disconnect from real life worries. You no longer really care about the superficial things in life and you start to worry about the things that matter and people that you want to grow old with. I know that might contradict itself but it makes perfect sense. I came back into a world that even the people I love who saw me struggle with cancer got tired. They got tired of cancer like any normal person would. I lost a lot of people because of cancer and NOW I was losing my family- the people I love.

You may ask why am I losing my family? That is a very good question. The answer would be I forget they are survivors of cancer also. I forgot the endless nights my mother and fiancé would take turns sleeping in ICU and 11th floor Mount Sinai suites. I forget the nights my mom would come downstairs and stay in bed with me until 3am until I fell asleep. I forgot the times my fiancé drove in 5 inch snow in order to take me to secure my future with her. That same day it was my first round of chemo.

Going back to the problem, the problem starts with you. FIND it in yourself what doesn’t make you happy and do it. Stop holding onto superficial things. I tend not to really care about what the next person thinks anymore about me because I am content in life with who I am. I am a lot better than I was last March. I have hair this year and about 60 pounds lighter so yea I feel better. Life is good. Face your fears because the worst that can happen is that you didn’t enjoy life – building up to new fears. Its okay to fear because the second you stop fearing you start thinking you’re immortal. Thanks for reading my rant!


teenage fever

8 years ago, we were children. Young teens with dreams, where love was strong and nothing else mattered. We lived for the moment and thought we were immortal. Anastasiya Guzchenko the perfectionist in her own eyes and in mine, the girl that tackles her dreams with respect, the girl that once wanted to become a doctor but followed her heart and is going to become the best dentist on the planet because of how perfect she is with everything she does. For 8 years, you haven’t complained about much. You are such an inspiration to your sisters, my sisters, my family. Thank you for allowing the people around you to believe again. I love you baby.


help me help others

Today was a good day. I woke up yelling my fiancé’s name but she was about 6 miles across town. It was 7am- felt like a nice spring morning, only thing was that the sun wasn’t shining. I woke up and started studying. A couple of hours pass by and I receive a message on Instagram saying “Hey, you don’t know me but you have touched me. How much money do you need to make it to Cancer Con with your fiancé? I told him my goal on my GoFundMe page which is the cost of the trip for me and my fiancé, plus the ability for me to be able to give back to the community which gave me so much. I not only need Cancer Con as a learning experience, but I want to be able to change the experience of other young adult survivors. This man donated $1000 because of my story, knowing the lives I can touch with the knowledge I will learn. If you believe in cancer, spread awareness and extend a helping hand to others.