To much past !

I always fought myself about the unknown, it was always scary, imagine going to a place that is dark and loud, then trying to give yourself a direction to find a exit. That’s how my life was for three years. I kept trying to fight the unknown.

The unknown can always be known. For example today I had a test, the actual result was unknown but the answers to the questions was the known. Going back to the dark place that is the unknown but the exit is the know.

When we as people get lost with the unknown, let’s really try and understand to see why it’s unknown and relate it to our life experiences.


What is killing us !

Pain comes from suffering. Ask yourself this question: how many times are you going to repeat yesterday’s mistakes and dwell on tomorrow’s comings because of today’s pain? Now, I am not a rocket scientist but I do know that this pain comes from a place of deep emotions that haven’t been forgotten or better yet, even understood. Why fall victim to a thought? Isn’t a thought something that you can control as a person? Today, I saw the world for what it was; a planet. Nothing more, nothing less. I wasn’t expecting anything but good to come out of today because I wasn’t facing a false version of myself anymore. I was able to recognize my own consciousness. Me as me. Not for my body, or for the image that others saw me as. I accepted who I was and it felt good; no one was able to correct me or tell me I was wrong. I was able to shut off my pain body and also my ego – both of which are no good to a person. With that, I was seeing clear for the first time for a really long time. I was no longer a victim to what yesterday has done for me and I was for sure not even thinking about tomorrow because today was so good of a feeling. I do know that it doesn’t matter how much you say you want something- it will always start with you. Change doesn’t happen if you can’t acknowledge what is causing the pain. I know I’m crazy for saying this but when someone is really happy they can forget that time doesn’t exist and go anywhere they want to go in life. I read this quote that really made me think: In order not to die, you must die before death; therefore there is no death.


Stop lying to yourself !

How do you tell something you love, you want it so much.. when you get stopped in life, do you give up ?

My replay would be to give up is to die. Why die when you’re alive. Waiting to die. I’m driving on a path I want, I am in control of my own dreams. No one else is the reason for my own problems. We forget and get caught up in our self EGO – a barrier that we as people allow our subconscious mind to make up for us in order to protect our real feelings. I once heard this saying that ego stand for EDGE GOD AWAY. Kinda funny when you really think of it. Let’s stop talking about what we did. Let’s start saying look at what god did, jcole once said that in a line and it touched home to me. Now I know it may sounds cheesy to quote a line from jcole but it’s just state truth imo. Now to understand God we need to understand ourselves. Why when a person wakes up in the morning everyday worry-free and pain-free for the most part, do we allow our minds to go to problems that was bought to us the night before or the day before. I have learned how to just step back from a problem and just ignore people that bother me. There was a time when I used to self-explode on everyone and everything. I would say holy fuck these people are the problems but the matter of the fact is that I was the problem. I then stepped back for the first time and asked God for help. I never really talked to God in my life. This light of hope. God in every religion means good, means faith, means a believer of some sort. I stumbled across a YouTube video and listened to a 4 min lecture on finding out what real problems are in life. It said if you are really struggling, step back and ask God for an answer to your problems and by God I mean yourself.

What I mean by all of this is that for the first time I stopped lying to myself. I just beat CANCER and I was supposed to be happy and okay but I wasn’t. My life kind of started to be worse than cancer. Some people would say how can this be possible. My response would be that when you are a cancer patient you kind of disconnect from real life worries. You no longer really care about the superficial things in life and you start to worry about the things that matter and people that you want to grow old with. I know that might contradict itself but it makes perfect sense. I came back into a world that even the people I love who saw me struggle with cancer got tired. They got tired of cancer like any normal person would. I lost a lot of people because of cancer and NOW I was losing my family- the people I love.

You may ask why am I losing my family? That is a very good question. The answer would be I forget they are survivors of cancer also. I forgot the endless nights my mother and fiancé would take turns sleeping in ICU and 11th floor Mount Sinai suites. I forget the nights my mom would come downstairs and stay in bed with me until 3am until I fell asleep. I forgot the times my fiancé drove in 5 inch snow in order to take me to secure my future with her. That same day it was my first round of chemo.

Going back to the problem, the problem starts with you. FIND it in yourself what doesn’t make you happy and do it. Stop holding onto superficial things. I tend not to really care about what the next person thinks anymore about me because I am content in life with who I am. I am a lot better than I was last March. I have hair this year and about 60 pounds lighter so yea I feel better. Life is good. Face your fears because the worst that can happen is that you didn’t enjoy life – building up to new fears. Its okay to fear because the second you stop fearing you start thinking you’re immortal. Thanks for reading my rant!


teenage fever

8 years ago, we were children. Young teens with dreams, where love was strong and nothing else mattered. We lived for the moment and thought we were immortal. Anastasiya Guzchenko the perfectionist in her own eyes and in mine, the girl that tackles her dreams with respect, the girl that once wanted to become a doctor but followed her heart and is going to become the best dentist on the planet because of how perfect she is with everything she does. For 8 years, you haven’t complained about much. You are such an inspiration to your sisters, my sisters, my family. Thank you for allowing the people around you to believe again. I love you baby.


help me help others

Today was a good day. I woke up yelling my fiancé’s name but she was about 6 miles across town. It was 7am- felt like a nice spring morning, only thing was that the sun wasn’t shining. I woke up and started studying. A couple of hours pass by and I receive a message on Instagram saying “Hey, you don’t know me but you have touched me. How much money do you need to make it to Cancer Con with your fiancé? I told him my goal on my GoFundMe page which is the cost of the trip for me and my fiancé, plus the ability for me to be able to give back to the community which gave me so much. I not only need Cancer Con as a learning experience, but I want to be able to change the experience of other young adult survivors. This man donated $1000 because of my story, knowing the lives I can touch with the knowledge I will learn. If you believe in cancer, spread awareness and extend a helping hand to others.


unknown person !!

Dear Mouhamad,
My therapist explained it to me that this new life is lived on the 2nd floor, and there is no going back to the 1st floor. You can visit the 1st floor but you can’t stay there. They don’t understand and will not until they are faced with the same.
Even now, as my recent posts says that my doc suggested I think of this as being a cure.
But, I am still on the second floor, because of the trauma that I have been through, and the reality I have faced, just can’t be explained to them. My cancer has other social and physical complications, but I choose to set the difficulties aside and move on the best I can.
I am not hiding in shame, but, every time I have told anyone about my cancer, it takes their breath away. That would happen with any cancer; and especially anal cancer. They don’t know what to say.
Keep pushing on YOUR reality.



Talk about a negative night. The reason why I stopped going out. I went today for my friends birthday to this place in the city. Met a good group of people. Two good groups of people that didn’t really care who I was but enjoyed a conversation with me instead. Everyone one else was very self driven like they were entitled to something. These people were the people hosting the event from the bartender or the DJ they felt like they were entitled to power – of course they were – we became slaves to there entertainment. We as people start to forget we are people- our subconscious minds build up egos and pride to help protect us from others to portray an image of what we want the world to see us as but we fail to see our selves as. God gave me a second chance at life not to escape it so I won’t look for escape mechanisms when going out or having fun. I really mean when I say we as people are going to laugh at ourselves in 200 years about the worry we bring upon our selves.


Dear Cancer

Dear Cancer, You have one name but you are so different. You have no set image but yet people know who you are. Cancer, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mouhamad Beydoun. You rudely came into my life at 24 years old with no warning. You knocked one day on my door not waiting for a welcome. You have no eyes yet see the souls of the person. I told you nicely I don’t want you in my life yet you stayed. You stayed like that unwanted abusive family member. The person that thinks they are doing good but still hurt. Cancer, you made me really bad with people by playing your trick games and making me think people were the cancer ruining me. Cancer, I’m giving you advice for the next person you touch. I know you don’t want to hear it but remember one thing – you are getting weaker. The more we talk about you, you will die. Cancer, thank you for allowing me to see my life how it was supposed to be. The journey you brought me through had a lot of ups and downs; most were bad but thank you for all the good. You taught me how to love again, you made me love a world I thought sucked. You made me see my dreams as a person. I still can’t get over the fact that you helped me find my path to radiography school. When I doubted myself, you were at your strongest. Now I am content with who I am. Thank you for giving my voice the tone it was missing.


It’s okay to say I’m not okay

Today, I took a step back and told myself that I’m not okay. I’m starting to lose passion and hope in something that has brought me passion and hope in life. The other day I was listening to a Ted Talk about a doctor that experienced burnout. A burnout is self-explanatory – when a person becomes cynical and somewhat self-absorbed where they tend to stop empathizing and sympathizing with people.

The reason why I said I wasn’t okay today is because I felt cynical in a way. I felt like I wasn’t going to be myself. I remember a time in Maimonides hospital where I had a 3 AM MRI & the tech knew something was wrong but wasn’t allowed to say anything. Although it was 3AM, he still took time to sit with me and entertain me to make my time pass better. This tech did not sympathize nor empathize with me, but, he was compassionate. The reason I’m sharing this is because I thought going into this field there would be more people like this guy. Unfortunately, reality made me realize that those were a rare few.

After my treatment, I was completely lost in life and started to reminisce on days that brought me to where I am now as a person. There were two things constantly correlating in my brain: photography and radiology. I kept applying to jobs that had no significant meaning to me just to get me back into the world and I kept forgetting photography and radiography. Going back to what I first said in the beginning, that was the first time in my life that I took a step back and said I’m not okay. I wasn’t okay for a lot of different reasons then – back then, I thought I wasn’t in control. I was applying to positions that I held as a young adult which wouldn’t suit my lifestyle now. I was able to, through failures and misery, understand that the roots of all problems don’t really start off with anyone else but you. Unfortunately, but fortunately enough, I was blessed enough to have cancer. It taught me to stop waiting on someone to give you a purpose to life because in actuality, your purpose is what you choose it to be.

Losing my passion for a moment today made me realize how much more I love this field and how much more I can bring back to a place that I feel has lost a sense of empathy and compassion. My message to everyone would be never to stop believing in things you love, even when your environment – or even your own body – tells you different. Be blessed and happy for every moment you have in life. Live for the memories and capture moments